Inside a Coaching Conversation: When Putting Yourself First Feels Selfish

One of my clients shared with me how, due to her childhood upbringing, she has been abandoning herself for the entirety of her adult life, and how she never put herself first. Almost every time her own needs surfaced, they were quickly pushed aside, often with an underlying belief: “If I put myself first, it means I’m being selfish.”

When I heard this during the session, I asked her a simple question: What is the difference to you between “putting yourself first” and “being selfish”?

That question brought a very long silence, and at that point in our coaching relationship, we had become very comfortable with silence. We both trusted each other and the coaching process: that when we give ourselves space, the answers will emerge, even if it takes time.

She said she didn’t know the answer and, as this was toward the end of our 50-minute session, we let it go. However, the topic of her not putting herself first returned some sessions later. She knew that there were situations where she should actually put herself first, but at the same time, it was not aligned with her value of being a person who is not selfish.

So I asked again the same question: What is the difference to you between putting yourself first and being selfish? This time, after another long pause, she said that, for her it means acknowledging her own limits, recognising her needs, and allowing those needs to be fulfilled, without any intention of making other people suffer. This was her answer, and it felt true to her at that moment in time. That distinction created a shift within her. She started to bring this more into her awareness and to slowly learn to respond differently.

This is a small example of how I work: I don’t give answers or tell you what to do. Instead, I create a space where you can slow down enough to hear your own thinking. Through questions, reflection, and genuine curiosity, you start to define things in your own terms. Not a textbook answer, and not based on pressure or expectation to come up with a certain response, but on what actually feels true to you.

And that’s where the shift happens. Because when an insight comes from you, the learning stays with you. It’s something you can return to, apply, and build on long after the session ends.

If you recognise the feeling of being stuck in patterns you don’t fully understand, or you find yourself overriding your own needs without knowing why, this kind of work might resonate.

Coaching is about helping you see yourself more clearly and, from there, choose differently.