Inside a Coaching Conversation: Learning to Trust Your Own Answer

One of my clients came into coaching after leaving a very controlling relationship. For a long time, her partner had told her what to do, what not to do, what was right and what was wrong. Over time, she had lost trust in her own thinking. Decisions felt difficult, even small ones.

By the time she came into coaching, she didn’t want to revisit the relationship, she just wanted to move forward. But there was something I began to notice. Am I doing this right? What do you think I should do? Is this correct? She often asked me. There was a constant seeking of reassurance, a need for someone else to confirm that she was on the right track.

And each time, instead of giving her an answer, I brought it back to her by asking her back, letting her think, and creating the space.

In one session, she came with a very specific question about a situation at work. She was confused about her own reaction and wanted to understand why she behaved the way she did. So we have it as the goal of the session, and I supported her exploration through questions. What was happening in that moment? What was she noticing? What felt familiar about that reaction? There were pauses, and moments where she had to sit with the question a bit longer. And then, gradually, something became clearer for her and toward the end of our 50 minutes session, she arrived at her own answer, something that made sense to her, something that felt true to her in that moment.

This is a significant moment for her when she experienced thinking for herself, and realising that she can.

After that session, I began to notice something shifted in her way of being. She still had questions. She still faced uncertainty. But she relied less on me to give her answers.

She started to stay with her own thinking a bit longer, and to check in with herself before asking for reassurance. And over time, her confidence grew, because she experienced, again and again, that she is able to find her own way.

Coaching, for me, is never about about giving you my opinion, my advise, what I think right, what I think you should do. Rather, it is about helping you reconnect with your ability to find your own. Especially if, at some point, that ability has been questioned, overridden, or taken away. When someone has spent a long time being told what to do or how to think, it’s natural to look for guidance outside of themselves. Through coaching, one find is a safe space for their own voice to come through again. Through questions, reflection, and time, that voice becomes clearer. And with that, something else starts to rebuild.

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If you often find yourself asking, “Am I doing this right?” or looking for someone to tell you what to do, it might not be because you’re incapable of making a decision or thinking on your own. It might be because, at some point, you learned not to trust your own answers.

And sometimes, what helps is not more advice, but instead, is to have the space to hear yourself again.